The Heart Talks Blog
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In her invitational 2021 IL PTA Convention mini keynote, A Call for Renewal & Renovation, On Balance Parenting's founder, Dagmar Kauffman, reflects on the state of our youth and education system before the pandemic. An encouragement to examine our inner and outer values and our culture's definition of success. A call to focus on human-centered, personalized, student-directed learning so all children and communities may thrive instead of returning to ‘normal’.
Positive Alternatives Podcast (November 1, 2019)
Our interview with Dagmar Kauffman - Founder of On Balance Parenting, Collaborator, Peaceful Warrior, and Educator of Educators. We discuss how young people are losing out on the opportunity to grow and learn from their mistakes when parents step in and fix what may not really be broken.
Last week I was honored to be interviewed Doug Petit of Positive Alternatives Podcast. My heart-felt thanks for Doug’s sincere curiosity, deep listening, and mindful questions. It is such a gift.
Photo credit: siora photography on Unsplash
A 2017 research study led by Dr. Suniya S. Luthar, psychology professor at Arizona State University and professor emerita at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and others, present evidence that students in affluent communities who attend high-achieving schools are at significantly higher risk of substance misuse and addiction relative to national norms across early adulthood.
The New England Study of Suburban Youth (NESSY) followed two groups of students attending schools in affluent, suburban communities in Northeast U.S. The first group was assessed from 6th through 12th grade, and across five years after college graduation at ages 23-27 (older cohort). The second group was assessed as high school seniors and each of the four years of college at ages 18-22 (younger cohort). In this article, Luthar describes the study’s findings:
“We found rates of addiction to drugs or alcohol among 19 to 24 percent of women in the older cohort by the age of 26, and 23 to 40 percent among men. These rates were three and two times as high respectively as compared to national norms.
Among the younger cohort by the age of 22 years, rates of addiction were between 11 and 16 percent among women (close to national norms) but 19 to 27 percent among, men or about twice as high as national norms.”
~Dr. Suniya Luthar
Causes. Luthar cites various reasons for the elevated risk of addiction among students at high-achieving schools in affluent communities, including (1) students at high-achieving schools are under tremendous pressure to achieve, (2) parental and student expectations to attend highly selective universities, and (3) students in affluent communities have disposable income that makes it easy to purchase alcohol and drugs. Complicating this issue further might be that parents do not recognize that their kids are struggling with substance misuse because they are doing well academically.
Parental Containment. Study findings underscore the protective role that parents play in containing children’s substance at age 18 and its inverse correlation with the " frequency of drunkenness, and marijuana and stimulant use in adulthood.”
Recommendations. Luthar recommends (1) reducing the tremendous academic pressure that students are under in order to gain admission into highly selective colleges, (2) introducing students to adults who were successful and had picked a school that was a right fit for them, (3) raising awareness among “science, public health and social policy to take seriously the fact that youth at high-achieving schools could be a population that is at inordinately high risk of addiction,” and (4) dedicating more research to kids who grow up in a “pressure cooker.”
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Copyright © 2019 by Dagmar Kauffman, founder & executive director, On Balance Parenting.
All rights reserved.
References:
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2018). Key substance use and mental health indicators in the United States: Results from the 2017 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (HHS Publication No. SMA 18-5068, NSDUH Series H-53). Rockville, MD: Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/cbhsq-reports/NSDUHFFR2017/NSDUHFFR2017.pdf
University of Illinois, Center for Prevention Research & Development. (2018). Illinois Youth Survey.
In a conversation with a friend about the recent college admissions fiasco, we talked about perfectionism. The fear of not being good enough is pervasive in our community and has left our kids feeling stressed, anxious and depressed.* Our kids look great on paper, and they carry a hole in their hearts.
Success. In our single-minded pursuit of success aka college admission, we have hyper-focused on performance-based and external benchmarks like grades, test scores and awards. Instead of choosing classes and extracurricular activities based on their interests and strengths, our kids build a resumé and “[compromise] their mental and physical health in the pursuit of top grades.” Our collective obsession with the college admission process has reduced our children to constant doing, with little time for simply being. For over a decade the kids in our community have been telling us that in order to be fully human they need more time, more sleep, less homework.
In De-bunking College Admission Myths, Denise Pope, co-founder of Challenge Success summarizes the issue well: “The sole purpose of high school has become the four years that happen afterward. Lost is the engagement with learning, the ability to have any unscheduled, non-resume building time, and the 8 to 9 hours of sleep that kids truly need.” **
Autonomy. Competence. Belonging. Research on self-determination by Edward Deci and Richard M. Ryan shows that students' mental health is closely related to their sense of (1) autonomy or having control over their learning, (2) competence (an ability to handle challenging tasks) and (3) relatedness (feeling a sense of belonging).
Self-determination theory (SDT) supposes that human beings are curious about their environment and therefore, interested and engaged in learning. SDT researchers Christopher P. Niemiec and Richard M. Ryan describe how SDT relates to educational practice. They suggest that "intrinsic motivation and autonomous types of extrinsic motivation" foster optimal learning and student engagement. They also point out that "evidence suggests that teachers' support of students' basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness facilitates students' autonomous self-regulation for learning, academic performance, and well-being."
Recent Illinois Youth Survey (IYS) 2018 data for DuPage County, Illinois *** illustrate that many of our students have little sense of autonomy, belonging and are only minimally engaged in their learning.
In gauging meaningful participation/engagement and caring adults the IYS asked 8th, 10th and 12th grade students “how true” the following statements were. Response options included: (1) not true at all, (2) a little true, (3) pretty much true, (4) very much true.
The percentages below reflect the number of students in DuPage County who responded to the statements with not true at all or a little true.
At school, I do interesting activities: 44% (8th) 41% (10th) 43% (12th) of students did not think they did interesting activities. (Note: 8th grade response shows an increase of 7% from 37% in IYS 2016)
At school, I help decide things like class activities or rules: 70% (8th) and 71% (10th & 12th) of students reported that they did not help decide class activities or rules. (Note: 8th grade response increased 7% from 63% in IYS 2016)
At school, I do things that make a difference: 60% (8th) 65% (10th) 61% (12th) of students reported that they did not do things that make a difference. (Note: 8th grade response increased 6 % from 54% in IYS 2016)
Caring Adults. In addition to student reports of not participating meaningfully in school, over a quarter of students, do not feel seen by an adult at their school: 26% (8th), 29% (10th) and 28% (12th) of students reported that it is not at all true or a little true that there is a teacher/other adult at [their] school who notices when I am not there.
Furthermore, 32% (8th) 38% (10th) 37% (12th) of students reported that it was not true at all or a little true that at school, there is a teacher/other adult notices if I have trouble learning something.
The Truth of the Matter.
The truth is that our kids do not experience agency, feel little sense of belonging in school nor are they particularly engaged in their learning. We have forgotten that our kids are human beings. Humans become alive when we are fully engaged with our external and internal lives; when we feel competent and have agency; when we feel we belong; when we have space to listen to and follow what is in our hearts.
In the pursuit of college admission, we take much pride in our kids’ academic schedules packed with AP classes, their carefully selected extra-curricular activities, service hours in prominent community organizations, and participation in highly rated tutoring services. And all the while, our kids are stressed and anxious because they have no time to connect with their hearts, explore their emotions or follow their innate curiosity and be creative. We have sacrificed our kids’ well-being, health and sense of aliveness at the altar of a “college admissions process that puts achievement and status anxiety at the center of their lives.”
When our external life does not intersect with our heart, we experience an emotional hole and a void that often expresses itself as anxiety, When anxiety shows up in our lives, it is a sign that something is out of alignment. Amber Rae, author of Choose Wonder Over Worry calls anxiety a devoted friend” who invites us to “hear our inner truth” and align “with the path best suited for us.” Our kids and all the research tell us as much. We need to recognize, articulate and help our kids’ to conceptualize themselves as more than their external accomplishments.
Healing the Hole in our Kids’ Hearts.
To heal the hole in our kids’ hearts, we all have a role to play.
As parents, we need to engage consciously and deeply with our hearts so we can pay attention to what’s in our kids’ hearts and love them for who they are and not for what they accomplish. We need to listen to and talk with our kids about how we create meaning in our lives. We need to trust our kids and empower them to try things out. We need to cheer them on as they find their path in life. ****
In schools, we need to consider a school change such as advocated by Challenge Success to create time, space for students, educators and staff to thrive; where everyone is fully engaged and feels supported; where we are curious, create and make mistakes. A place where we learn, teach and lead from the heart. Perhaps a place like Iowa BIG where students “get to learn through projects and work they care about.” Real engagement, real work and growth in preparation for their life in the world.
As a community, we have the power to shift the prevailing paradigm of success that is fueled by fear and competition for approval and belonging to one that focuses on growth and collaboration. We need to connect with the truth that each human being is inherently worthy and in no need of constant perfecting. Let’s teach our kids that their “lesson in this lifetime is to find and trust [their] own precious voice” so they can be truly successful.
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Copyright © 2019 by Dagmar Kauffman, founder & executive director, On Balance Parenting.
All rights reserved.
* Depression: The following percentages are results of affirmative responses by students in DuPage County, Il to the Illinois Youth Survey (IYS) question, whether they had felt so sad or hopeless almost every day for two weeks or more in a row that [they] stopped doing some usual activities:
Affirmative responses by 8th graders increased 4% from 22% in IYS 2016 to 26% in IYS 2018.
Affirmative responses by 10th graders held steady at 29% in IYS 2018.
Affirmative responses by 12th graders increased by 2% from 29% in IYS 2016 to 31% in IYS 2018.
** At the SXSWEdu (March 4-7, 2019) conference in Austin, I attended a panel discussion presented by Dr. Denise Pope, co-founder of Challenge Success, and Dr. Ian Kelleher, head of research at The Center for Transformative Teaching and Learning (CTTL). Listen to the audio recording of the session: Dialing Down Stress Without Dumbing Down School.
*** The Illinois Youth Survey (IYS) assesses social and health indicators of Illinois youth and is administered bi-annually to 8th, 10th and 12th grade students. In 2018, 43 DuPage County, Il public schools participated in the IYS, including all middle and high school students in Indian Prairie Community District (IPSD) 204 and Naperville Community Unit District 203.
**** Are you interested in thoughtful conversations about raising & launching kids who follow their heart? Join us for Heart Talks: Parenting Courageously!, our monthly conversation that I co-moderate with Dr. Kelly Flanagan and his colleagues from Artisan Clinical Associates. Next session is on Tuesday, May 21st, 7PM at the Alive Center. All parents/caregivers are welcome. Get your free ticket here.
***** Lesser , E. (2005). Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow. New York, NY: Villard Books. p.11.
Is the Drive for Success Making our Children Sick?
This is an excellent article by Vicki Abeles, filmmaker and author of Beyond Measure.
We have a nationwide epidemic of school-related stress, anxiety and depression. Students' average days consist of 7 hours of school, plus sports, clubs, music activities followed by hours of homework. Weekends are filled with homework projects, test preparations, tournaments and other competitions. No down-time and not enough sleep. Kids in elementary school complain about migraine headaches and ulcers. "Many pediatricians see a clear connection to performance pressure."
There are schools all around the country that are making small but important structural changes to ease pressure and improve our children's health. Reforms include: start times, block schedules, homework limits, homework-free weekends & holidays, re-thinking assessments to show growth beyond conventional tests as well as re-thinking the number of clubs, sports, activities our students are involved in.
Research shows that when students are less anxious and depressed their academic achievement goes up. Let's choose the health of our children. The time for reform is now.
(This post was originally published on LinkedIN on July 12, 2017.)
Naperville City Councilwoman Rebecca Boyd-Obarski’s call for a town-hall meeting to assess the “State of Kids” in our community is a timely one.
Alongside a review of student alcohol and drug use data, we need to take a look at the state of our youths’ mental health and examine how cultural messages and expectations impact our children’s well-being.
Our culture’s narrow focus on academic achievement–grades, test scores, rote learning–and ambitious resume-building has adversely affected many of our students’ health. Calendar slots for time spent with family, hanging out with friends or simply reading a book for pleasure, are rare to non-existent. To cope with their over-scheduled lives, students often resort to unhealthy coping strategies or even self-harm. Following a classmate’s recent death by suicide, Tessa Newman, a Naperville North High School student posted an online petition asking that the school’s pressure culture change. Tessa’s experience matches that of many of her peers living in affluent and high-achieving communities across the country.
Academic stress impacts kids’ lives nationwide:
"73 percent of [high school] students cite academic stress as their number one reason to take drugs, yet only 7 percent of parents think their teens might use drugs to deal with stress.“
"36 percent of 9-13-year-olds said that they were more stressed by academics than any other stressor—even bullying or family problems.”
“Youth were also 3 times more likely to agree than disagree with the statement: ‘My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.’”
In DuPage County, 17 percent of 10th grade and 27 percent of 12th grade students reported that they had “use[d] alcohol or drugs to relax, feel better about [themselves] or fit in.” (Illinois Youth Survey, 2014)
For 'State of the Kids' we need to get as many stakeholders involved as possible: students, parents, school administrators, educators, health, prevention and social service providers, the business community. Let’s talk about parenting strategies that best serve our youth to become joyful, resilient and caring people. Let’s think about ideas to promote engaged learning and tweak school schedules. Let’s hear from our business community's thoughts about what young people need to be successful in the workforce. And finally, and most importantly, let us please listen to our kids.
Prevention starts with our conversation. Let’s be open and honest. Thoughtful and courageous.
